I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food