‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
tell em, edith-anne
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone