KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.