Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
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AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.