how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Don’t take drugs… for granted.