The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
me hooking up with my ex
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.