Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.