“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy