For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.