People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.