[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume