Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.