Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married