I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.