Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Always 🥴
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.