Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.