*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
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I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Every house has this drawer
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
God making man in his image was the original selfie
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
What number SPF blocks people?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.