INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed