When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
get you a girl who
Wasps: bees, but not helping
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My plans: 2020:
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.