The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK