INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Challenge accepted.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped