Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Peace was never an option
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem