Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best