If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
What a website
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: