Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
This line from Airplane.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.