The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
According to math, I’m broke
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
what?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!