Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO