me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting