[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I forgot how to panic. Help
That’s amazing.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending