I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*