me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.