Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile