My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids