Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*pronounces fake like saké*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum