Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William