Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Generation gap…
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you