Sing it!
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Only Americans understand
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.