[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion