*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Every work call, he judges.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton