I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”