it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Always a metermaid never a meter
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.