How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.