At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon