Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.