[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
who will stop them
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”