A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.