[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Lmao
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.