All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Chicago sounds lovely.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.