Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.