[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.